NOTICESCOUNCIL NOTICE: The owner of Ledsham Museum has submitted plans to the council to turn the building into a brothel. Residents who wish to review the plans or raise concerns can go fuck themselves because we've already got ours. So long suckers, we're off to Barbados.
TODAY IN COURTTOOL, Arthur: Accused of assaulting a wheelbarrow while under the influence of a soothsayer. The case continues.
BIGGS, Ronald: Found guilty of having a name the same as somebody famous and fined £15 plus costs.
HOOD, Robin: Found guilty of not doing the 'giving to the poor' bit. Sentencing tomorrow. Miraculous escape from Nottingham jail planned for next Monday.
SUPERMAN: Found guilty of shoplifting. Fined £500 and was told to put Woolworths back where he found it.
ITEMS FOR SALEENCYCLOPAEDIAS for sale. Complete set of 45 volumes for just £100. No longer needed - Got married last week and wife knows everything. (Box28)
GRAVESTONE: £20ono. Pre-carved. Perfect for someone named Harrison Hendelbergenheinzel. (Box42)
BONES 'N' STUFF: For sale, old dinosaur bones & all sorts of other crap. No reasonable offer refused. We've got tons of the stuff. Apply Ledsham Museum. Office hrs only.
MATTRESS: £25 - Royal Tonic. King sized. 20 year warranty. Slight urine smell (1-800-53291).
DENTURES: Part worn. Two teeth missing. £10 (no offers). Call Doris after 6pm.
TURKEY: Cooked & partly eaten. Still fairly fresh. Includes drumsticks. £5. (Box16)
ANTIQUE DESK for sale. Good condition. Would suit lady with thick legs and small drawers. £30. (1-800-47204)
HUNDREDS & THOUSANDS: 20p each. Strictly 1 per customer. Available from Ron Caketopping, the High Street.
HOLIDAY SNAPS: Hundreds to choose from. Would make ideal alibi. £1 each. (Box17)
ITEMS WANTEDSMALL MINORITY wanted to spoil it for the rest of us. There's always one - is it you? (1-800-77563)
WANTED: I urgently require six elephants and a zebra for a private party. Can you help? Please call. (1-800-34454)
APATHY SOCIETY desperately needs new members but frankly couldn't give a toss whether you join or not.
SPARE SOME CHANGE? 20p fer a cuppa tea, pal? Come on guv.. Yer me fuckin best mate yer bastard. Gizza fag then. (Ron, 3rd bench along, Queens Park)
VACUUM CLEANER PARTS: All types and makes needed urgently. I've had a great idea for a perpetual motion machine made out of old hoover belts and I want to get it built before it... Oh bollocks, it's gone!
GENERALILLITERATE? Write now for free help. (Box22)
LOST DOG: Spaniel. Has been neutered just like one of the family. (1-800-37284)
TEECHER AVALBUL: Is you inglish leting yoo down? Me can cum too yor hows for give lesens. Mee dead gud inglish! (1-800-43902)
GET RICH QUICK: Richard Quick is a right twat. Get him!
DEPRESSED? Feel like killing yourself? I can help. (Box17)
EUTHANASIA? Feel like killing yourself? I can help. (Box17)
REVENGE? Feel like killing someone else? I can help. (Box17)
BODYBUILDING COURSES: Learn to make bodies out of empty lager cans. £8/hour. (1-800-64932)
BODYBUILDING COURSES: Learn to make buildings out of bodies. I can help. (Box17)
MEN SEEKING WOMENSingle male seeks double-jointed, nympho supermodel with her own brewery. Open minded twin sister would be an advantage. (M472)
Help! Woman wanted. Any woman! 18-80. I have viagra. (M308)
Female required to come back in time with me and share my adventures. Bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed - I have only done this once before. This is not a joke. (M72)
WOMEN SEEKING MENMucky old slapper seeks incurable romantic for dirty weekend. GSOH. NS. Must be free on thursdays. (F42)
Any good with shelving? Get in touch now! (F281)
George? Where are you? It's been three years. Your dinner's cold. (F38)
GARAGE SERVICESDemonic driveway? Unholy garage? Possessed car port? We can exorcise them for you quickly and easily! Call Reverend Kwikfit now and we'll be over quick as a flash to whistle, tut and say things like "what bleeding cowboy's been summoning demons in 'ere then?" (The Rectory, under the railway arches).
Marriage in a Garage! Celebrate your big day in rhyme by getting married on Esso's forecourt - we arrange everything! Also on offer: Hitched to a Bitch in a Ditch! Exchange vows with a right cow while scrambling around in a pit full of sh*te (Box 22).
PERSONALErection Problems? Raise your spirits! Stand up and be counted! Don't dick about! Limp along and join Flaccid Anonymous (Call 0800-not-again and leave your name).
STD Clinic: Herpes? Gonorrhea? Syphilys? YES we've got the lot - and this month if you pay for downstairs, we'll throw in the upstairs absolutely free! Call in for a quotation today! Branches everywhere.
Personal Massage: Know what I mean? Nudge nudge! Wink wink! Say no more! Still, phwoooar, eh...? (Maxine: 1-800-43251)
Stoke Bloke 06/09/2010 02:38 Tell ya with all the gush from Sky and the help from the officials we wouldnt have won if saints had stayed in the sheds. dred proud great performance
phil malone 05/09/2010 11:12 Proud of the effort, 10 out of 10. Dodgy decisions early in season cost us (robins x2) etc
Delboy66 04/09/2010 21:00 Fuckin Sheepshaggers!!
Proud as fck of the lads tonite to say it was all the st helens show on sky, Muppets!!
